I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
