Can i not drive my cunt home
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
