I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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