I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
