When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
