Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
