watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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