He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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