I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
