just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
