Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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