I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
