yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
