My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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