soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
