drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
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