Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
