College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
