the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
