I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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