I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
