I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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