he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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