I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
