Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
