Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize