i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize