So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize