I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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