am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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