I must be too annoying 4 u.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
