Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
