youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
