shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
