I wish my penis had an off switch
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
