Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
