I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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