there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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