Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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