you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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