He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
