All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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