Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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