Will you blow on my dice?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
