those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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