Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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