R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i came on her dog
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
