How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
