I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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