Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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