when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
