is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
