It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
