Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
