i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
