I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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