Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
