Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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