He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
